You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
