call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
