her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
