At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
