so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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