the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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