hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
