I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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