i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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