good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
