i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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