Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
