The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize