JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
