I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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