you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
