I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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