I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
