Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
