Swine flu is the new snow day.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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