I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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