I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
