When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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