I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
