So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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