i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
