I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
