wakey wakey hands off snakey
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
