He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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