Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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