and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
