can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
