Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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