so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
