I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize