Where did you get a picture of my penis
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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