I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
