if i can run in heels then i can drive
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
