just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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