Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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