I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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