I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize