Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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