I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
