yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
