we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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