the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
