She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You left your phone here
Wait...
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