Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
