I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
