So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
