you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
