My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I want a musical about memes.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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