i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
what day is it and did you see me today?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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