I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
