I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
