you traded sex for a burrito?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
