He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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