So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
