it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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