sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
