im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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