fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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