Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
