My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
