wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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