oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize