I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
