just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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