she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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