I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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